I stared at him for several seconds after he answered my question.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo what exactly do you expect me to do about this?\u201d<\/p>\n
He didn’t hesitate.<\/p>\n
\u201cI expect you to lose the weight.\u201d<\/p>\n
There was no embarrassment in his voice. No uncertainty. No attempt to soften the words.<\/p>\n
Just expectation.<\/p>\n
I sat on the edge of his bed, staring at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cTen pounds?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt’s not about the number.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what is it about?\u201d<\/p>\n
He sighed.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt’s about effort. When we first started dating, you looked different.\u201d<\/p>\n
I almost laughed.<\/p>\n
Not because it was funny.<\/p>\n
Because I couldn’t believe we were having this conversation.<\/p>\n
\u201cI’ve gained less than ten pounds in almost two years.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you just told me you’re less attracted to me because of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI said I’m having a harder time finding you attractive.\u201d<\/p>\n
The distinction felt ridiculous.<\/p>\n
I looked around his bedroom.<\/p>\n
His half-folded laundry was piled on a chair. Empty snack wrappers sat on his nightstand. A stack of takeout menus was beside the television.<\/p>\n
And suddenly I remembered something I’d ignored for months.<\/p>\n
Whenever I stayed at his house, he barely fed me.<\/p>\n
Breakfast was usually coffee.<\/p>\n
Lunch might be crackers and cheese.<\/p>\n
Dinner was often something he’d order for himself and then ask whether I wanted \u201ca few bites.\u201d<\/p>\n
I had never made a big deal about it because I assumed we were both busy.<\/p>\n
Now I looked at him differently.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you’re so concerned about what I eat,\u201d I said, \u201cwhy do you never actually make sure there’s food here?\u201d<\/p>\n
He frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat has nothing to do with this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt has everything to do with this.\u201d<\/p>\n
He crossed his arms.<\/p>\n
\u201cI shouldn’t have to manage your diet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn’t ask you to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen don’t put this on me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn’t put anything on you. You brought up my body.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked away.<\/p>\n
For a moment, neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
Then he said something that changed the entire conversation.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf we’re going to stay together long-term, I need you to understand that I have standards.\u201d<\/p>\n
Standards.<\/p>\n
The word stayed in my head.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt means I want a partner who takes care of herself.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI do take care of myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. Explain it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He became irritated.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou’re making this more complicated than it needs to be.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen explain it simply.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stood up.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don’t want to wake up five years from now and realize you’ve completely let yourself go.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt something inside me go very still.<\/p>\n
Not because of the ten pounds.<\/p>\n
Because he had just revealed that he wasn’t talking about health.<\/p>\n
He was talking about ownership.<\/p>\n
About maintenance.<\/p>\n
About keeping me in a condition he considered acceptable.<\/p>\n
I asked quietly, \u201cWhat happens if I gain more weight someday?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat depends.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOn what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOn whether you’re trying.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if I have a baby?\u201d<\/p>\n
He shrugged.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen obviously things change temporarily.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTemporarily?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou’d have to work your way back.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if I get sick?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy are you creating hypothetical situations?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I’m trying to understand what kind of future you think we’re supposed to have.\u201d<\/p>\n
He didn’t answer.<\/p>\n
That silence told me more than his words had.<\/p>\n
For almost two years, I had believed we were building a relationship.<\/p>\n
He apparently thought he was evaluating whether I could continue meeting his requirements.<\/p>\n
I got dressed without another argument.<\/p>\n
He watched me put on my shoes.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you seriously leaving over this?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI’m leaving because I finally understand what this conversation is about.\u201d<\/p>\n
He laughed bitterly.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou’re being dramatic.\u201d<\/p>\n
Maybe I was.<\/p>\n
But for the first time, I wasn’t trying to convince him to understand me.<\/p>\n
I was trying to understand him.<\/p>\n
I drove home that afternoon and cried for nearly an hour.<\/p>\n
Not because he had called me unattractive.<\/p>\n
Because I realized how many smaller moments I’d dismissed.<\/p>\n
The way he sometimes commented on what I ordered at restaurants.<\/p>\n
The way he complimented women with very specific body types.<\/p>\n
The way he would jokingly pinch my stomach and say, \u201cWe need to keep an eye on that.\u201d<\/p>\n
The way he’d ask whether I was \u201creally hungry\u201d when I ordered dessert.<\/p>\n
I’d laughed at those things.<\/p>\n
Now they didn’t feel funny.<\/p>\n
That evening, he texted me.<\/p>\n
I’m sorry you took what I said so badly.<\/strong><\/p>\n I stared at the message.<\/p>\n Then another appeared.<\/p>\n I was just being honest.<\/strong><\/p>\n I typed a response, deleted it, and eventually wrote:<\/p>\n Honesty doesn’t require cruelty.<\/strong><\/p>\n He replied almost immediately.<\/p>\n So now I’m cruel because I want my girlfriend to stay attractive?<\/strong><\/p>\n I didn’t answer.<\/p>\n The next morning, he called.<\/p>\n I let it go to voicemail.<\/p>\n Then he called again.<\/p>\n Then again.<\/p>\n Finally, I answered.<\/p>\n \u201cCan we talk?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe are talking.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don’t want us to end over something stupid.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don’t think it’s stupid.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou know I love you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI believe you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen why are you acting like this?\u201d<\/p>\n I took a breath.<\/p>\n \u201cBecause I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering whether you’ll still love me if my body changes.\u201d<\/p>\n He went quiet.<\/p>\n Then he said, \u201cEveryone expects their partner to make an effort.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat’s different from expecting their body to stay the same forever.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou’re twisting my words.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo. I’m listening to them.\u201d<\/p>\n He sighed.<\/p>\n \u201cI just want you to care about yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen ask me how I feel. Ask whether I’m healthy. Ask whether I’m happy. Don’t tell me I’m becoming unattractive.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou’re too sensitive.\u201d<\/p>\n That sentence hurt more than I expected.<\/p>\n Not because it was new.<\/p>\n Because I’d heard versions of it before.<\/p>\n Whenever something upset me, he told me I was overreacting.<\/p>\n Whenever I disagreed, he said I was making things difficult.<\/p>\n Whenever I asked for more effort, he accused me of being demanding.<\/p>\n I’d thought those were separate problems.<\/p>\n They weren’t.<\/p>\n They were the same problem.<\/p>\n He wanted me to adapt while he remained comfortable.<\/p>\n A week later, I asked him to meet me at a coffee shop.<\/p>\n He arrived expecting reconciliation.<\/p>\n Instead, I handed him the key to his apartment.<\/p>\n He stared at it.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat is this?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYour key.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou’re breaking up with me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n His face changed.<\/p>\n \u201cYou’re serious?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause I said you gained weight?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n I looked him directly in the eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cBecause you made me realize that if I stayed with you, I’d always be trying to prove I was worthy of being loved.\u201d<\/p>\n He shook his head.<\/p>\n \u201cThat isn’t fair.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe not.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI would’ve gotten over it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat’s not the point.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat is the point?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe point is that you think my body is something you get to approve or reject.\u201d<\/p>\n He opened his mouth.<\/p>\n I stopped him.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd I don’t want that kind of relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n He looked down at the table.<\/p>\n For several seconds, he said nothing.<\/p>\n Then he asked, \u201cSo what am I supposed to do?\u201d<\/p>\n I almost smiled.<\/p>\n Because it was the same question he’d expected me to answer when he’d criticized my body.<\/p>\n This time, I knew my answer.<\/p>\n \u201cYou’re supposed to live with the consequences of what you believe.\u201d<\/p>\n I stood up.<\/p>\n He didn’t follow me.<\/p>\n For the next few weeks, I struggled.<\/p>\n Breaking up with someone doesn’t erase two years of memories.<\/p>\n There were good days.<\/p>\n There were beautiful trips.<\/p>\n There were nights when he held me while I cried.<\/p>\n There were inside jokes.<\/p>\n There were plans for the future.<\/p>\n And that was what made leaving so difficult.<\/p>\n I wasn’t leaving because every moment had been terrible.<\/p>\n I was leaving because I had finally understood that a relationship could contain love and still be wrong for me.<\/p>\n A month later, I ran into him at a friend’s birthday dinner.<\/p>\n He looked uncomfortable when he saw me.<\/p>\n We eventually spoke outside.<\/p>\n \u201cI’ve been thinking,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n I nodded.<\/p>\n \u201cI was wrong about some things.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhich things?\u201d<\/p>\n He looked embarrassed.<\/p>\n \u201cI think I was treating you like you were supposed to stay the same for me.\u201d<\/p>\n I didn’t say anything.<\/p>\n \u201cI grew up thinking that’s what relationships were. You find someone you’re attracted to, and both people maintain themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTaking care of yourself is healthy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut controlling someone else’s body isn’t.\u201d<\/p>\n He nodded.<\/p>\n \u201cI know that now.\u201d<\/p>\n I appreciated the apology.<\/p>\n But I didn’t want it to become an invitation.<\/p>\n \u201cI’m glad you understand.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDo you think we could ever try again?\u201d<\/p>\n I shook my head.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause I don’t want to build a future around hoping someone changes.\u201d<\/p>\n He looked disappointed.<\/p>\n \u201cI’ve changed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut I don’t need to find out.\u201d<\/p>\n We said goodbye.<\/p>\n And this time, there was no anger.<\/p>\n Only clarity.<\/p>\n Months later, I began dating again.<\/p>\n The first time the new man and I went to dinner, I ordered pasta, dessert, and a glass of wine.<\/p>\n He smiled.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNothing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen why are you smiling?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou look happy.\u201d<\/p>\n I laughed.<\/p>\n \u201cThat was your observation?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n He took a bite of his food.<\/p>\n \u201cIt’s nice.\u201d<\/p>\n I realized how simple that felt.<\/p>\n No calculation.<\/p>\n No judgment.<\/p>\n No wondering whether I was eating too much.<\/p>\n No wondering whether my body was being evaluated.<\/p>\n Just dinner.<\/p>\n Just conversation.<\/p>\n Just two people enjoying being together.<\/p>\n I eventually understood that the ten pounds had never really been the issue.<\/p>\n Bodies change.<\/p>\n People age.<\/p>\n Pregnancy changes bodies.<\/p>\n Illness changes bodies.<\/p>\n Stress changes bodies.<\/p>\n Life changes bodies.<\/p>\n If someone’s love depends on your ability to remain physically unchanged, then what they’re offering isn’t the kind of love I want.<\/p>\n I didn’t need someone who promised never to notice when I changed.<\/p>\n I needed someone who understood that noticing a change and believing you have ownership over it are two completely different things.<\/p>\n And when I think back to that afternoon in his bedroom, I realize my most important question wasn’t actually, \u201cWhat do you expect me to do about this?\u201d<\/p>\n It was the question I should have been asking all along:<\/p>\n \u201cIf I stop being exactly what you want, will you still see me as someone worthy of love?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n His answer wasn’t spoken that day.<\/p>\n But everything he said afterward gave me the answer.<\/p>\n And once I knew it, walking away wasn’t nearly as difficult as staying would have been.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I stared at him for several seconds after he answered my question. \u201cSo what exactly do you expect me to do about this?\u201d He didn’t hesitate. \u201cI expect you to … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":118020,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-118044","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-best-best-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/discoverstory9.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/118044","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/discoverstory9.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/discoverstory9.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/discoverstory9.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/discoverstory9.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=118044"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/discoverstory9.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/118044\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":118045,"href":"https:\/\/discoverstory9.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/118044\/revisions\/118045"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/discoverstory9.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/118020"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/discoverstory9.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=118044"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/discoverstory9.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=118044"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/discoverstory9.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=118044"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}